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Saturday, 21 October, 2006

I feel hollow and confused and I am now convinced I am not in a state-of-mind where I can take care of myself. It is a fight just to bathe, and I cannot seem to get sufficiently organized to maintain the house. I realize the ramifications of this state are not news. I want a new machine and am intending to do something about it, but it took me about three weeks to work up the nerve to go around to stores and see what they’re doing. I even found the machine I shoulda bought. Good specs, Ubuntu friendly, very reasonable priced, all the ins and outs I want plus some others … So fearful am I of my modestly bad judgment, I didn’t make the simple and consummately patriotic act of purchasing.

I lose my ability to concentrate completely when I leave the house. My work days are a struggle of constant overcompensation and undue stress. I can’t manage to get control of my diet as I cannot get control of the house. I can’t get control of the house because I can’t work out how to begin. It takes me a good 48 hours to work up the nerve to take out the trash. Don’t even get me started about the laundry now three weeks overdue. I require a full clean and purge of the house. I don’t know how to get my mind in a condition where that is possible.

I want to give up, but I don’t know how to stop. This first then the addiction again.

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