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Friday, 2 February, 2007

I once again had three things to do this week which were important. I did only one of them and that more or less out of desperation. (Laundry which has been pending since December) I sat for two hours building up the nerve to call and make an appointment to take the truck in. The issue is getting critical and I have much irrational fear about taking it in. I have $3300 of overhead on the cards they take at the shop I trust, and were the entire drive train to be swapped out, it wouldn’t be that much.

I have groceries for two weeks sitting in the freezer. Good stuff. Instameals to be sure, but not the catastrophic kind. I hoped by the end of this week I could fit into my old fat pants again, but I have not made much progress in that department … I’m hungry to the point of confusion.

The bikes can wait until I fix the truck and I wonder about selling them just to be done with it. No, I can’t go home again because I don’t have anything to do while there. If it weren’t for the specific schedule I’m on I would not be able to even make what of a living I do. I’m having trouble today. I am actually terrified of going into work. I’m supposed to be smart in some ways, but it means nothing. It’s like I have a $100,000 bill and can’t get change … well, I can’t give it away either.

Because I cannot justify any other behavior, I am going in.

I must become accustomed to living a life empty and alone … the glimpses of rational living do not do me well.

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